My case : There is a demon living in me. And its name is unforgiveness.
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After a week of hectic work schedule and long working hours, I had been looking forward to this weekend, eager to get back home. Although I have to bring home some work to do, but that is alright, as long as I'm home, with my mom.
And if you are curious, yes, I still stay with my family. But that will be a story by itself, on a future post.
My workplace is just about an hour's drive away from my home, provided that the traffic is smooth. However, since the traffic is usually horrendous each morning, I decided to rent a room near my workplace, which had proven to be a wise decision as I am able to save on travelling time, petrol expenses, and toll fees (in my country, there is an unbelievable amount of toll roads).
When Friday finally arrived, I practically flew back home, in my car. I mean, my heart flew back home, but my mind was sensible enough to guide my body to drive the car, at a safe speed. Heh.
When Friday finally arrived, I practically flew back home, in my car. I mean, my heart flew back home, but my mind was sensible enough to guide my body to drive the car, at a safe speed. Heh.
Well, everything was bright and beautiful, until Saturday afternoon, when my mom requested me to do a very simple favour for that 'someone' (sorry, I am not ready to share who that 'someone' is, yet).
After my mom voiced her request, without missing a beat, the demon in me got ignited and flared up. It was quickly followed by cold look, quiet voice, mean words, nasty thoughts, evil feelings, complete bitterness, on my part. And the damage was done, cruelly, brutally.
That moment, the devil won, I let it win, and hatred took over.
I acted in the ugliest way possible, to a person who loves me dearly, and to that 'someone' who is still unaware of this silent storm.
I can still remember vividly, the pain and sadness in my mom's eyes. I think she was shaken violently, and was beyond shock and hurt, at how broken her daughter's heart is. Her usually quiet but kind daughter, who once could not even bring herself to kill an ant, who loves dogs, who has compassion for those less fortunate, who has a heart for orphans, could be so unforgiving and hate someone so deeply.
If that was how my mom felt, I cannot even imagine how much I grieved the Holy Spirit in me.
Sometimes, I wonder if I am a hypocrite. I know and write about all the beautiful and lovely things, the right words to speak, the right ways to live. But in the end, here I am, defeated, willingly, by this choking sensation of hatred and unforgiveness. Is it easier to indulge on the pleasure of hating someone than to forgive? No! An unforgiving heart leads a painful and bitter life.
Unforgiveness, the most powerful tool used by Satan. How foolish of me to fall into the trap of the enemy, so easily, without even trying hard to put up a fight.
As I was browsing the net a while ago, I came across a message on forgiveness at The Pathfinder, and the words just cut and pierced though my heart like thousands of swords. Instead of finishing off my badly damaged heart, the swords are actually healing it. Just because, these are the swords, the powerful and miraculous Word of God. I felt like God is speaking to me through the author, trying to make me turn away from my unforgiving heart, because I have never wanted to forgive that 'someone' so desperately, so sincerely, so willingly.
Frances Brown on Unforgiveness (The Pathfinder) :
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That's what Jesus portrayed in Mark 11:25: "And when you stand praying, if you have anything against anyone, forgive him and let it drop (leave it, let it go), in order that your Father Who is in Heaven may also forgive you your [own] failings and shortcomings and let them drop. (Amplified Bible) There may never be an apology--but that's all right. Our stubborn refusal to forgive others actually prohibits God's forgiveness from flowing to us. Then how can one hold unforgiveness in his heart? To do so, he must actually believe that he himself is totally without offense and has no need of forgiveness himself, and that he is righteous and perfect in all his ways. Isn't that ridiculous? This is the worst form of self righteousness, and clothes us in filthy rags before a Holy God.
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......
All Feuds End At The Cross. Not only between Jew and Gentile, but A-L-L FEUDS. I am convinced that an unforgiving heart is evidence that the one who walks in this darkness has not experienced the cross. In fact, Word of God supports that conviction.
The pain and suffering that has been caused by an unforgiving spirit is without measure. May our Father pour His Healing Grace into the body of Christ and create in us a clean heart and renew a right spirit within us. Then all the world will know He has come when we truly have fervent love for each other. Amen! And praise God!
......
......
And I say Amen!
By the grace of God, and with an obedient heart, I will defeat the demon in me.
That moment, the devil won, I let it win, and hatred took over.
I acted in the ugliest way possible, to a person who loves me dearly, and to that 'someone' who is still unaware of this silent storm.
I can still remember vividly, the pain and sadness in my mom's eyes. I think she was shaken violently, and was beyond shock and hurt, at how broken her daughter's heart is. Her usually quiet but kind daughter, who once could not even bring herself to kill an ant, who loves dogs, who has compassion for those less fortunate, who has a heart for orphans, could be so unforgiving and hate someone so deeply.
If that was how my mom felt, I cannot even imagine how much I grieved the Holy Spirit in me.
Sometimes, I wonder if I am a hypocrite. I know and write about all the beautiful and lovely things, the right words to speak, the right ways to live. But in the end, here I am, defeated, willingly, by this choking sensation of hatred and unforgiveness. Is it easier to indulge on the pleasure of hating someone than to forgive? No! An unforgiving heart leads a painful and bitter life.
Unforgiveness, the most powerful tool used by Satan. How foolish of me to fall into the trap of the enemy, so easily, without even trying hard to put up a fight.
As I was browsing the net a while ago, I came across a message on forgiveness at The Pathfinder, and the words just cut and pierced though my heart like thousands of swords. Instead of finishing off my badly damaged heart, the swords are actually healing it. Just because, these are the swords, the powerful and miraculous Word of God. I felt like God is speaking to me through the author, trying to make me turn away from my unforgiving heart, because I have never wanted to forgive that 'someone' so desperately, so sincerely, so willingly.
Frances Brown on Unforgiveness (The Pathfinder) :
......
......
That's what Jesus portrayed in Mark 11:25: "And when you stand praying, if you have anything against anyone, forgive him and let it drop (leave it, let it go), in order that your Father Who is in Heaven may also forgive you your [own] failings and shortcomings and let them drop. (Amplified Bible) There may never be an apology--but that's all right. Our stubborn refusal to forgive others actually prohibits God's forgiveness from flowing to us. Then how can one hold unforgiveness in his heart? To do so, he must actually believe that he himself is totally without offense and has no need of forgiveness himself, and that he is righteous and perfect in all his ways. Isn't that ridiculous? This is the worst form of self righteousness, and clothes us in filthy rags before a Holy God.
......
......
All Feuds End At The Cross. Not only between Jew and Gentile, but A-L-L FEUDS. I am convinced that an unforgiving heart is evidence that the one who walks in this darkness has not experienced the cross. In fact, Word of God supports that conviction.
The pain and suffering that has been caused by an unforgiving spirit is without measure. May our Father pour His Healing Grace into the body of Christ and create in us a clean heart and renew a right spirit within us. Then all the world will know He has come when we truly have fervent love for each other. Amen! And praise God!
......
......
And I say Amen!
By the grace of God, and with an obedient heart, I will defeat the demon in me.
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| And He said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for My strength is made perfect in weakness." Therefore most gladly I will rather boast in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me. - 2 Corinthians 12:9 (NKJV) |
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